On Blake Lively, Bee Better, and Revelling in Women’s Downfall
I’m not going to use buzz words like parasocial, but I am going to say it’s weird how entitled people on the internet feel to pick apart the lives of complete strangers. Remember in the 90s and 2000s when famous women were incessantly strewn across tabloids, usually scantily clad in pictures they did not consent to be taken, with remarks about how they are gaining weight, losing their minds, possibly pregnant, and ugly without makeup?
Today, the vicious gossip and endless critique hurled at every aspect of a woman’s being has morphed and contorted itself to take a (slightly) different tone. Now we bend over backwards analyzing if they are nice, morally exemplary – even when they are just on their way to the coffee shop – paragons of virtue who are selfless, forthcoming of their personal lives, fashion-forward, and never gauche. And, of course, it is imperative that every friend and family member they have is held to the same standard. If not, cue the inescapable monotony of internet discourse. ‘Did you see so and so totally ignore that fan who had been waiting outside of her hotel room for six hours?’ ‘Did you hear how awkward so and so was being at the award ceremony?’ ‘Did you see so and so say ‘excuse me’ in an unacceptably brusque tone on her way out of a bookstore?’
I’m just going to say it, I don’t care if a woman I don’t know is “rude”. Just because you do not have the capacity to be saintly to a thousand strangers a week, does not mean you do not deserve to be celebrated for your talents and revered for your art. A woman should not be required to be nice all the time, especially given the hostility of the world around us. Male public figures are never referred to as rude. Never required to stop for every fan they see. Male musicians are not told to be less “robotic”, more “personable”, or less “fake”. The irony that we feel oh-so-culturally-evolved from the more garishly woman-hating eras of our past, all while simply redirecting our misogyny, is sometimes infuriating and sometimes utterly hilarious to me.
Then there is the matter of sizing up who among the currently trending crop of female celebrities is a true feminist, a “girl’s girl” if you will. I worked in the realm of feminist organizing for several years and am quite aware of all the opportunities for volunteerism within the field. Yet I am willing to wager that most of the people who leave comments critiquing female public figures’ commitment to feminism have not taken their care and concern for the cause into the real world. I would say the same thing for those brigading several other social issues through Tiktok videos and Instagram comments, but that’s beside the current point.
These internet activists position themselves as authorities on humanitarianism even though, outside of the odd protest, their advocacy has never left their smartphone. Which sucks, because something abundantly critical happens when you move to make change in the real world. (Well for one, human connection and real-world impact.) But also, you are challenged. You learn where your own shortcomings are and are forced to address them.
Many of the internet users in question, it would appear to me, have not done the internal work of dismantling their own conditioning and harmful patterns of thinking. I got my start in activism as a teenager and have fucked up massively along the way. I’m 27 now and am still uncovering vestiges of oppressive and misogynistic ideologies in my own thoughts and behaviors. Recognizing where internalized oppression lives within us and how it moves through us is vital to this work. It is not optional, because every person on this earth has it.
In the spirit of us all being a little more honest about our own moral imperfections, I will admit here and now that I have gossiped about celebrity plastic surgery, where 99% of the time women have borne the brunt of my castigation. I vow to leave this boorish tendency behind. We can critique the harmful implications of widespread plastic surgery, without critiquing the faces of women who get it.
Now, with all the said, on to Blake Lively. When I first heard about the drama, I took what I thought was the “underdog” side and implicated Lively as the transgressor. A few days later, the whole thing went past booktok and into the stratosphere. The singular narrative became: woman is evil and manipulative; man is “a really good guy”, as decided from a character assessment mediated by a screen. Isn’t this song and dance just a little familiar to anyone? It was to me.
I knew the mistake I had made. In the coming days, I watched as the whole thing became a painfully redundant runaway train. The battering ram of discourse had begun and so ensued an endless barrage of regurgitated takes and repetitive comments. To be sure, I too was initially upset that Lively wasn’t giving more attention to the domestic violence themes present in the It Ends with Us movie.
But then it occurred to me that there are a hundred good reasons why she may not be. Maybe she honestly believes it’s more helpful and empowering to focus on the female protagonist and her story as a whole, rather than center the domestic violence she experiences. Maybe Lively has personal reasons she doesn’t want to talk about domestic violence in a public setting. Maybe she wants the art, as in the film, to speak for itself. Really, I have no idea, and I’m not sure the goings on of a press tour for a Hollywood movie adapted from some book I’ve never even read, and many people seem to actively dislike, warrants this much consternation.
Ultimately, Blake Lively should not be required to become a spokeswoman for domestic violence because the movie she stars in depicts it. I have some training in domestic violence education and, as you can imagine, it is an incredibly complicated subject. Did anyone expect Zendaya to become a leading voice in teenage drug addiction because of her role in Euphoria? No, because that would be kind of absurd.
Most every maligned snippet of Lively doing the rounds can easily be neutralized to some extent when you step out of the hive mind for a brief moment. In one interview, she is asked what she would say if a fan (aka a stranger) came up to her and wanted to discuss domestic violence, which would probably be a very uncomfortable situation for most people. Lively obviously felt that she couldn’t just lay down a boundary and say, ‘I’d rather not have strangers approach me on the street to talk about interpersonal violence.’ So instead, she stumbles her way through an awkward attempt at comedy, which of course fell flat.
In another viral clip, something similar happens. Lively is just about to take her seat when the interviewer comments on the star’s “little bump”, referring to her nascent pregnancy. And yes, Lively was incredibly defensive, slightly rude, and does that thing again where she uncomfortably makes an unfunny joke. But I thought that, at this point, we were pretty much all aware that commenting on a woman’s body (especially one who is a stranger to you) was not a good idea. So, in that sense, I can see where Lively was coming from. She probably felt like, ‘I’m here for work, can we not talk about my body or the fetus in my stomach.’ And I think that’s fair.
There’s something about the forced vulnerability that we pressure celebrities, particularly female celebrities, to perform that I find deeply irritating. As Brenee Brown would agree, being allowed into someone’s life, someone’s heart, and someone’s family is a privilege. This is a sort of intimacy that I would never want anyone to feel forced into. I get uncomfortable in an audience of one when a supervisor requires I share a personal anecdote from my weekend, so I couldn’t imagine being pressured to unconsensually share parts of yourself with the whole world.
When it comes to Blake Lively, we all grabbed one piece of an obviously intricate puzzle and thought we knew the whole picture. This entitlement we feel to talk about women’s inner lives is appalling, wildly inappropriate, and obviously driven by misogyny.
Now, what I’m going to say next is a pretty wild and out there claim that has just begun to crystallize in my own head, but I think needs to be shared. I am a queer black feminist, but I still think people on the left are finding and choosing women it is acceptable to be misogynistic to and doing so. This seems to largely include conventionally attractive white women. It, admittedly, is a rather strange phenomenon. But it makes more sense when you are reminded that misogyny is a deeply-ingrained, zealous thing. And the same can be said for social acceptance and in-group mentality.
Of course, these new rules only exist on the internet. In the real world, the same power imbalances exist the way they have for centuries. It’s almost like the internet is this new microsociety, developing its own customs and rules and languages. And, shocking, it all leans pretty toxic.
The virulent internalized misogyny I have been seeing, even on and perhaps especially on this app, is one of the more distressing online trends I’ve caught onto. I don’t know if it’s the class rage thing that's been going on, or the fact that we now have such a direct window into, not just the lives of celebrity women, but also seemingly everyday women who are gorgeous and possess a lot of social and financial capital. And there is so much to be jealous of: perfect eating habits, bouncy hair, shiny jewelry, copious luxury skincare, and pilates-chiseled abs. It’s dizzying just to think about. There are so many ever-increasing components of being a woman and so many sources for invidious comparison when it comes to other women.
It’s possible that I’m totally wrong and envy has nothing to do with it. But the fact of the matter is, there are plenty of types of women on the internet. You can simply avoid the ones you don’t like. You do not need to berate them online.
I don’t intend to spend much time talking about honey salesman, BeeBetter, because he is so deeply uninspiring. But what I will say is: ladies, never listen to a smirking man, unless the two of you are engaged in fun, flirtatious banter. Those of you who have experienced unwanted flirting from some smarmy, arrogant guy know exactly how ick-giving and off putting that behavior is. That is what I felt about BeeBetter a few videos into his 15 minutes of fame.
When the haterade was still fresh, the self-nominated ringleader of revelling-in-women’s-downfall, BeeBetter, posted a video on Nara Smith. From watching Smith’s content, I know she possesses a kind of hypnotic power, so I was curious and open to hearing if this was somehow ill-begotten. The claims he makes in this video – and most of his videos – are tenuous at best and nonsensical, hyperbolic clickbait at worst.
Beebetter, wise sage he is, deigns to inform us that Nara Smith, wife of one of the most famous male models of this century, is in fact very rich. And this wealth leads her to live a life very different from ours, which I was just shocked to hear! Let’s be real, I was never under the impression that Nara and Lucky Blue Smith, two outrageously wealthy and beautiful models who make hot cheetos from scratch, were relatable or that their lifestyles were in any way imitable. I thought we wanted celebrities to stop acting like one of us. Then when they show their real lives, they are promulgating an untenable ideal. I hate to use another buzz word, but I think we should have enough *~media literacy~* to be able to consume celebrity content void of the expectation that we can mimic or recreate their lifestyles.
Oh, but the children! Well, maybe if we stopped criticizing women’s every move and feature, young girls would less so feel the need to contort themselves into images of perfection. The culture of policing and scrutinizing women came to long before Nara Smith, and rages on in near full swing, thanks in large part to the online stewards who leave derisive comments about women at every possible opportunity.
As already touched on by the Barbie monologue, it is impossible to perform all the tasks necessary to be a woman, particularly one who is accepted by society. At the time of the gigantic blockbuster, the sentiment was already cliché. But it seems we just refuse to listen. For women in the public eye, the expectations we set are exceptionally high. You have to perform the skill that got you famous, never flounder, and then learn a thousand other adjacent skills. If you sing, you of course also have to learn to dance — impeccably — otherwise you are an undeserving, talentless performer. If you are an actress, you have to also be effortlessly funny and easefully personable for each and every interview. And, at social events, you have to drink the right amount (which really is only a modest, ceremonial glass of champagne that you don’t fully finish) even though all the pressure you’re under is exorbitant and you’re finally off the clock. You want to get loose like everybody else but you’re not quite in the mood to end up a headline the next morning.
It’s an impossible feat, even for someone in the soundest of mind. For those struggling with mental illness, like Goo Hara, it can be a death sentence. We need to be compassionate to women in the public eye. Not ten years from now after their third rehab stint and second suicide attempt. Not twenty years from now when Hollywood executives are fighting for the rights to their life story and we’re all exchanging pitying remarks about how their lives turned out. Now.
This includes Chappell Roan. I haven’t been following the singer-songwriter’s socials very closely, but I know that The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess continues to be one of the most brilliant and life-altering records I’ve ever had the pleasure to listen to. And it seems, just a few months ago, we were all pretty much in agreement about that.
Do we prop women up just to cackle as we tear them from their thrones and send them falling from grace? Like many heterosexual women are coming to realize about their male counterparts, some of you pop princess pundits, stans, and fans do not actually like women. It’s all some sick Shakespearean play you take pleasure in enacting over and over.
It’s unbelievable how ready y’all are to throw a talented woman in the trash simply because she’s imperfect. Chappell Roan is very obviously stressed out and having a hard time. Right now, I’m just standing back and giving her some grace, which I recommend you do as well.
On a final note, I am aware that Blake Lively has been linked to incidents of racial insensitivity. I do not and will not defend her on that. I think her predilection for plantations, as well as the larger problematic culture of rich people and celebrities appropriating minorities and their struggles, is unnerving as hell. I hear thoughtful and substantive analyses of this nature much less often than the average, run-of-the-mill celebrity critiques.
But, truthfully, what I would really like to see is a turn away from the all-consuming, pervasiveness of celebrity culture. Celebrity bashing is still a contribution to celebrity culture.
To those who believe it is an important social good to watch and critique celebrities, let me let you in on something: celebrities get paid millions because millions are watching them. (Also because our priorities are askew as a society.) If you have a problem with the concept of celebrity, you should devote your time to other things.
This is not to say that remarking on celebrity behavior should cease in entirety. It is completely normal and acceptable to make one comment or video expressing your concern. This is the kind of social civility and levelheaded online behavior I see when the subject of critique is a man. A content creator posts a video discussing Brad Pitt’s abuse of his wife and children. People comment ‘omg that's terrible’, and then they never talk about it again. The general public spends more time lambasting women who make social faux pas than literal abusers. Literal abusers whose children are out there shouting from mountain tops in vain about how they “tremble in fear” in their beloved celebrity father’s presence. Stand up for victims of abuse, by all means. It is the rabid and obsessive brigading that folks online do to women, who have not truly hurt anyone, that I have a problem with.
If you absolutely cannot stand a woman online, stop hate watching her, stop incessantly talking about her, and maybe she will exit your purview. Get a new hobby. Indulge in a creative outlet, walk in the park, listen to musical artists you actually do like, go volunteer at a local food bank. Truly, how many of you are actually living your life instead of hate watching others live theirs?